Is this Autism or Bad Behavior? The year my eyes began to open.

I think that's the main reason I'm writing this blog and why I have a FB page now for our journey.  I want everyone to know who we are and what's going on with us.  Why?  Because if you have even an inkling that your child may have the GIFT of Autism, you need to know there are those of us out here that can help point you to the right resources.  You.  Are.  Not.  Alone.

Second grade was by far the worst and the most eye opening year to date.  My little man finally got a teacher with her eyes open and willing to help.  I began to receive emails, texts, phone calls on an almost daily basis.  At first, his teacher thought he may have Tourette's because of all his little outbursts he seemed unable to control.  This sent her on a mission to figure out what was going on and to get me the resources I needed to find out myself.  And it also set a fire under me!  I wasn't crazy!  Someone else saw it too!

She said he would go into rages.  I never saw this happen until I took him to a friend's house one day for her son's birthday party.  There must have been 30+ people there.  A couple things happened that I had never seen.  First, my son was in a bedroom with her son playing video games.  Her son was sitting in one of those crescent shaped gaming chairs and my son was crouched in front of him like a frog just looking at him with this goofy look on his face.  Then, out of the blue, my son launched himself onto the other boy and wrapped his arms and legs around him.  This knocked them both back onto the floor.  Luckily the other boy was a very calm and kind child, because he just lay there looking at me like...WTH...  I promptly removed my son and we went outside.  Second, there was a big bouncy house thing outside.  It was one of those with the big slide on it, so it was pretty tall.  I left my son out there with his brother and a few other boys.  (First mistake.)  While I was inside I heard this god-awful noise and ran outside to see my son in a full-on rage.  Three boys were at the top of the slide taunting my son, and would not let him get up there to slide.  So my son was running full steam, trying to get up the slide, with his arms doing this weird windmill thing and screaming at the top of his lungs.  I yelled his name and he immediately stopped.  It was like a switch had been thrown.  Full RAGE to complete introversion.  Strangest thing I had ever seen.

He got thrown off the bus several times this year because of fights.  So he was showing very poor impulse control.  He had no problem touching or hitting others, but if you touched him lightly on the shoulder he would say "ouch".  He has a very low tolerance for pain.  

He was also putting his shirts in his mouth and sucking on them this year.  The whole front side of his shirt would be soaked.  It was quite disgusting. 

The teacher said he would make really loud noises while she was teaching and would not stop when redirected.  She was concerned because he started talking like a baby and kept putting his fingers and shirt in his mouth.  She was begging me for insight and answers on how to help him and I had none because he didn't behave this way at home and I didn't know what to do.  So, we would bat ideas back and forth and try thing after thing to no avail.

He would play in the bathroom and climb the stalls.   He would hide behind the doors in the bathroom and talk to the other kids from behind the door.  He would play in the sink.  He would take the water from the water fountain and spit it on the floor.  And when he got in trouble he would inappropriately giggle and laugh. So we made it where he could not go to the bathroom without an adult. 

One day he crawled under his desk and yelled "help me...help me....Im stuck", over and over. 

He had several outbursts that included dropping the "F Bomb", kicking walls, laying on the floor and crying, throwing things at other students, flicking students with a pencil.....etc etc etc.

It was so very hard to stay serious because some of this is very comical behavior, but he was disrupting the classes.  STILL, the school administration refused to say anything was out of the ordinary since his academic grades were all A's.

At work, my phone would ring and everyone would groan...."What has your son done now?"  Thankfully, my boss was understanding and I only worked 5 min from the school.  So it was easy for me to run over there and help out.

So, I finally sent a letter to the Principal requesting that the ISD test my son to see if a need for Special Ed is needed due to his consistent behavioral obstacles.  They responded by holding an ARD meeting.  They stated that they could not recommend or even test my son for Special Ed because of his academics being so good.  My Ex and his live-in attended the meeting as well.  My Ex stated that nothing but a discipline problem at home was wrong with our son.  He also stated that our son needed to be taken out of GT (Gifted and Talented Advanced classes) because he was too arrogant about them.  He stated that our son went around bragging too much about how smart he was and needed to be "taken down a peg".   Grrrr.

The school opened an RTI for my son.  They stated that the GT teachers in 3rd grade were not equipped to handle the behavior problems from my son so they suggested we furlough the GT for a year in order to concentrate on the behavior.  They suggested that we put him in a group called Rainbow Group next year, use social stories, give him a personal schedule he could carry with him every day, and assign an adult to him in the bus line.  No evaluations were suggested.  And I didn't have an advocate there, so I had no idea what to ask for.  This was my very first ARD meeting and I was totally unprepared.  I kept telling them, "Whatever the Special Ed teachers are doing for him, however they handle Autistic kids, seems to work when his teacher needs help", but nobody listened.

This year was also the year I got remarried and pregnant with my third son.  The drama started this year with my Ex and it has not let up since.  My son was in an after school daycare because I worked full time outside of the home.  My ex picked our children up on the designated Fridays that were his FROM daycare instead of waiting till 6pm for me to bring them to him.  This worked for us and I had my ex on the emergency contact list as well.  I did not have his live in girlfriend on the pickup list or the emergency contact list though and he went up to the daycare several times yelling and causing a huge scene about this.  I got several nasty emails about it too.  My children said Daddy was embarrassing them when he would be mean to the daycare people, and the daycare said they would call the cops and have him thrown off the property if he did it one more time.

That year was the beginning of my nightmare with my ex and the boys.  I wanted to get my son diagnosed and figure out if it was all in my head, or if something really was going on other than "bad behavior".  But my Ex was not on board and fought me the whole way.  He was certain it was all my fault and he could "fix" him if he were living with him. I was trying so hard to keep the peace that I did not fight him and I did not get him diagnosed.  There were other reasons why I waited too.  Insurance would not pay for the diagnostic tests and they cost about $1500.00 out of pocket.  I did not have this money.  So, I waited and fought with the school to help us.

The fighting hurts the children.  No matter how careful you are about it, they know.  They can feel the tension.  I was always taught never to speak badly about the other parent to your children.  So, its hard to be in the place where you are trying to figure out what's going on with your child, help him, guide him, help the schools, while the whole time you have your Ex fighting you.  They stick ideas into your kids heads and tell them hateful things about you.  Every stride forward that you make is dismantled by someone who hates you MORE than they love their son.

So, I have no excuses for not getting my son the help he needed and ignoring my ex.  I was in uncharted territory and had no idea what I was doing.  I did not know where to turn, who to talk to, where to even start because I did not know what was going on.  There were several things I thought it COULD be.  My cousin has an autistic son, but my son (in my mind) was not anything like their son.  I hadn't spoken to them about any of my son's behaviors because we weren't close anymore.  It never dawned on me to call them.  I knew it COULD be Asperger's, but what resources were out there for that?  Where did I start?

So, again... You.  Are.  Not.  Alone!   Please ask us questions.  If not me, then someone else who can help you.  Don't do this alone.  I have my friends, my family, my FB world full of Autism supporters, my Pediatrician, and my God.  Remember, God does not give what He thinks we can handle.  He helps us handle what is given to us.

Hugs and stuff.

Where It All Began

Where It All Began

 

You may be wondering what exactly goes on in a typical day in the life of my Spectrum Kiddo.  I know he looks "neurotypical", but I'd like to start telling you about our journey starting with his very first day of Kindergarten many years ago.  I will probably post more blogs later with our different tales and stories.  Some are quite funny, but its way too much to type in ONE blog.

 

He was my "normal".  He was my first.  So I really didn't notice any signs nor did the Dr ever notice any signs.  He went to daycare and nobody there noticed anything unusual.  I just thought he was Quirky.  Like me. And brilliant.  He was speaking in clear intelligent sentences by 2yrs old and had a vast vocabulary.  He was also adding before he even started Kindergarten.  And I didn't teach him that.

 

Ok, so I was STOKED about Kindergarten.  I am one of those people who loves new school supplies and the smell of a fresh box of crayons.  Weird I know.  But I'm a nerd.  And my SK (Spectrum Kiddo) was so brilliant that I had visions of him amazing his teachers.  I knew they would love him and fast track him onto "Genius-hood".  Maybe all moms feel this way.  Lol.  I did not cry when I dropped him off to his first day.  Neither did he.  I was excited!  I had no idea what was in store for me over the years to come.

 

 

He got a referral his very first day of Kindergarten and spent half the day in the Principal's office.  Nobody called me during the day to tell me what was going on.  Apparently a few hours into the day, my SK had enough and wanted to go home.  So I was told that he started crying and screaming and rolling around in the floor.  He was begging to call me.  Thats all he wanted was to call his mommy. 

 

THey did not let him.  And he did not calm down.

 

Thus began our journey with this po-dunk country town school.  For the rest of the time he was there, the following things happened...

 

He got pops an average of 3 times a week. His teacher said she had been teaching for 20+ years and had NEVER had to give a child pops and had NEVER met a challenge like my SK.  When I suggested that he may be bored (ya know, cause he is brilliant and all), she stated that "there are plenty of other children in my class that are smarter than your son.  That is no excuse for bad behavior."  I calmly suggested that we could point fingers all day, but that we needed to find a solution and that I was sorry that she wasted her education on a job she was certainly not qualified for since she could not outsmart a 6 year old.

 

He got official "Write-Ups" for the following:

 

He refused to work.

He would not follow directions.

 

"Misbehaved" at lunch.

 

Disrespected adults.

 

Disruptive/yelling in class.

 

Slapped and pushed another student.

 

Slapped and pushed another student. (again)

 

Talking too much.

 

I got calls several times a week. 

 

Finally, the straw that broke my back was when I got a call from my Ex Mother-in-law (my SK's dad and I had divorced prior to him beginning KG).  She wanted to talk to me about the pops/write-up that my SK had received for that day.  I said, "What pops?" 

 

You see..... my dear blogger friends.... the school had called my ex mother-in-law about the incident INSTEAD of calling me, the custodial parent.  Oh I was hot and let them know that very same day.  Not long after that, I moved him to another school district since this one was only wanting to discipline him instead of trying to help me figure out why a kid who had previously had no behavioral incidents at daycare, was suddenly a hellion.

 

At the new school, the write-ups continued and I kept telling the school that I thought something was going on.  Something more than ADHD.  My Ex and the school just felt like it was a discipline problem.

 

In First Grade he got write-ups for hitting and kicking other students, refusal to complete work, disrespectful to adults, talking back, ignoring, playing in the bathroom.... He received several out of school suspensions this year.

 

His meltdowns continued in First Grade.  He would hide under the desks and refuse to come out.  He would curl up into a fetal position on the floor and rock with his hands over his ears.  He would kick and scream and throw himself on the floor and spin around in circles.  He had no friends and the kids did not want to play with him.  He preferred to play alone anyway and would walk the perimeter of the fence at recess by choice.  He wont stay still or sit in a chair correctly.  He always tried to put his feet up in the chair.  He is persistently busy with his hands, touching or tapping something.  He has a hard time with handwriting.  Its illegible.

 

This is the year that I got a call from the counselor.  She asked if everything was ok at home and if we needed any help paying the bills.  She said my SK's nose had started to bleed that day and when the nurse asked him why his nose was bleeding, he said that a bug flew up it last night when he was sleeping outside.  He told her that he slept outside now in a tent ever since the hurricane came because we had no power anymore.  He also told her that he had to hunt 'wild-game' in order for the family to eat.

 

The counselor said that as soon as he said 'wild game', she knew he was probably telling a tall tale, but she had to call and check on us regardless.

 

Its a very funny story and we all laughed about it then.  Thankfully, the Counselor had enough sense to check into the story instead of assuming something bad was going on.  CPS would have been called and that would have just added to my stress.

 

(FYI, his nose bled all the time because he picked it all the time and ended up scratching it with his long fingernails.)

 

So, can you see my confusion?  I was at a loss and couldn't answer them when they asked me WHY does your son do this?  I had no idea.  But I didn't think it was "normal."

 

Ok ok, so that's enough for now.  There is soooo much more I have to tell you, but I need to go.  This is a good start. 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Your Son doesn't look like he has Autism.....

Have you heard this before?  I have.

"Your son is smiling.  I thought Autistic kids didn't smile."

"Oh we aren't going to believe that nonsense.  He just needs discipline.  If he were with me for a week, I'd straighten him out."

I think some people think they are being funny, cute, helpful???  I'm not sure.  Because it just comes off as rude to me.

When people say things like that, it says to the mother: 'You are obviously being manipulated.  You obviously haven't done a good job as a mom.'

I've been guilty before.  I've said things like, "let him come to my house for a week and I'll straighten  him out."  But in saying that, I basically said that I could do a better job in a WEEK than the mom has done in YEARS. 

Do you see what I mean?  Its rude.  And its silly to think that you, as an outsider, could possibly understand what is going on in anyone's lives on a day to day basis.  I'm so glad that I got the arrogance knocked right out of me!  Lol.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I know that there are tons of ways I screw up every...single...day.  Believe me!  And I'm reminded continuously about my failures by a Drama-Loving Ex-Husband. But I only listen to the advice of people who have been there; people who have truly walked in my shoes.

My son has High-Functioning Autism and ADHD.  To look at him, you would think he's a nerd, a little awkward, silly, a geek.  But you may never guess what's really going on.  Its that way with lots of High-Functioning/Asperger's kiddos.

Have you ever heard the statement...If you've seen one with Autism...You've only seen ONE with Autism.  They say this because no two cases are ever the same.

I've even been approached by people who say things like....'that boy has Autism.  I thought you would recognize it for sure. I'm surprised you didn't notice.'

What a silly statement.  As if I'm an expert on Autism of all kinds.  I'm not even an expert on my own son's Autism. 

I know I'm ranting, but that is what a blog is for right?  It makes me angry and it hurts me at the same time.  The disapproving looks.  The stonewalling or rolling of the eyes when I say "autism".  My Spectrum Kid getting thrown out of classes because of his "bad behavior".  There is no patience.  No tolerance.  No acceptance.  Only ignorance. 

Some SAY that they are on my side, yet they still want my son to conform to their rules, their set ways that they believe all children should behave. 

I've been told that we have to meet our children where they are and then draw them out into the social world. 

They should know better?  Maybe so.  But they don't.  No matter how many times you tell them.  They don't.  And they don't understand why they are being punished or why people don't want them around.

There are studies being done on the Autistic Brain.  They are mapping the brains and are discovering that Autism is a Neurological Disorder NOT a behavior disorder.

What does this mean?  This means that its NOT bad behavior.  Its NOT bad parenting.  Its just how their brain is wired.  Yes, we can help them adapt and teach them the appropriate responses to social situations.  Does this mean they will ALWAYS react correctly after being shown?  No.  Does this mean they wont have meltdowns or sit in a chair upside down?  Nope.  Maybe it will decrease the episodes that you are so very uncomfortable with though.

Pick your battles.  Is it hurting you that he is upside down in his chair?  Or if he wants to stand up and walk around?  Is it defiance?  Nope.  Some say its overstimulation.  Something SENSORY (sight, smell, touch, sound) is overloading his circuits and he needs to recharge.

There's more than one way to look at it.  Please stop being so quick to judge and point fingers.  Something may just knock you off your self-righteous high horse.  It happened to me.