Praying for a great year. Yes I pray. We are Christians in case I haven't mentioned that in the other posts.
This school year started off differently from the rest. You see, last year I quit my job because I was being taken away from work so much with the court proceedings, counseling, school meetings, kids getting suspended, etc etc etc. As I mentioned in a previous post, we got accommodations set up for my Spectrum Kiddo finally.
In the past we have gone to "Meet the Teacher Night" at the school with ALL the other kids in the school. This is mass confusion to say the least. We get to meet the teacher, see the classroom, drop off school supplies, blah blah blah. That's all fine and good, but the teachers are being pulled in every direction by every parent and kid that is there. So when I introduce myself I used to try and give a brief "warning" or "heads up" and talk to the teacher about my concerns for the school year. EVERY year, like a script being read, the teachers would say the same thing with a flip of the hand, "Oh this will be a great school year. We wont have any problems." One year the teachers even said, "The children in MY classroom NEVER get sent to the office. He will be fine."
HA! Scoff. Harumph. Eye Roll. Whatever you say Sparky. That's overstating it a bit don't you think? Especially since you've never met my little sunshine.
And inevitably, every year, like clockwork, I would get a call. "Mrs. So and So, you'll never believe what your SK did today." Or "I was wondering if you could explain his behavior to me." Or "Ive never had a kid behave this way. This is unacceptable."
So this year was AMAZING in my eyes. This is 6th grade you see, so imagine going through the above EVERY year since Kindergarten. That's 6 years.
THIS year I got a call two weeks before school even started. Yup. The school set up a private meeting for me, my SK, the teachers, the counselor, the diagnostician, and one of the special Ed teachers. This was our very own, personal and private "meet the teacher". We all sat down, talked about our goals for the year, toured the classrooms, and put his stuff away.
He has a special table he gets to sit at in the mornings while waiting to be dismissed to his classroom. This is huge as well because last year, he got picked on incessantly during this waiting time when he was in line with all the other kids. It got so bad last year that I ended up having to wait in the parking lot with him for 45 minutes until he was able to go straight to his classroom.
That would have been difficult for me to do this year since I am starting back to work. YUP! I will be a working mom again. We lost our government assisted Health Insurance for our children a few months ago. Even with me not working, we made too much money to qualify for Medicaid or CHIPS.
So I wasn't sure what we were going to do because we didn't have the money to buy private Health Insurance. Middle Class. Bleh. Boo. Hisssss.
I prayed and said, ok God you said to rely on YOU not any man for our needs. So I stopped worrying and knew that things would be just fine. I was not looking for work. But I received a call out of the blue. Someone was retiring and they wanted me to take their place. They were offering health insurance effective immediately, a decent salary, and most importantly, flexibility so I could be available to my boys.
So this year should be interesting, but I know and have faith it will be a good year. No matter what my EX or anyone else throws our way. I just have to keep my eyes on God and know that all things work together for my good because I love Him.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
4th and 5th Grade and Abuse Charges
At the end of my Spectrum Kiddo's 3rd grade year, my husband and I were able to purchase our first home. This involved a move to a better school district. The new school immediately was more helpful and understanding than the previous district, but they still wouldn't run any diagnostic tested on my SK because his grades were mostly A's. They said there was no "Academic Necessity" even though he was being sent to In School Suspension, and Out of School Suspension often, and was kicked off the school bus for behavioral disruptions.
So, I decided to find the $1500.00 necessary to get the ADOS testing done at Depelchin and just deal with my Ex AFTER the diagnostic testing was finished. I was tired of fighting, and the school needed answers. The truth is, I needed to know if this was all in my head or if my child really was on the spectrum like I thought he was.
Before I was able to do this though, I sent my son to his summer visitation with his dad, and days later I was served with papers. I had to be in court in 3 days. There were several different sets of papers. They stated 3 things. 1. I had been served with a Restraining Order stating I could not come within 500 feet of my children or my Ex and his residence. I could not even talk to them on the phone. 2. A Protective Order had been filed as well stating physical abuse had occurred. A statement from my son's pediatrician was included. (The same pediatrician that my Ex husband's new girlfriend worked for.) This statement said that my Son had a small ulcer that was healing on the inside of his bottom lip. No treatment was needed for it, but my son had stated that "mommy hit me in the mouth with her ring." So Child Protective Services had been called and my Ex had run to his lawyer the same day to draw these papers up. Aaaannnd 3. A petition for Change of Custody had been included as well. My Ex wanted Full Custody and Child Support.
I was a sobbing mess. This was not remotely true and I didn't understand why my son would say something like this. I was hysterical. That's a silly statement because it doesn't even begin to describe the pain I felt from seeing those words in black and white; "you cannot come within 500 feet of [insert name here]. I couldn't even talk to the boys. I was desperate to make sure they knew that no matter what, I loved them and that we would get through this.
I had just started a new job a few months earlier. I called my boss to let her know I would not be in on Monday because I had to be in court. She called the owner of the company and they offered to loan me the money I needed to pay for a lawyer because I had 3 days to find one.
So, my children came back into my custody a month and a half later. CPS dropped the case as "unable to determine." The Sheriff's Dept dropped the Protective Order and the Restraining Order. My Ex and I had to go to counseling. It was a waste of time. We did not settle the matter in court for another year, but finally things were settled and I still am the Custodial Parent. My Ex wanted the decree modified to state that I could not take my children to any Dr or Mental Health professional without his written permission. The Judge denied him that modification. There is so much more to this story, but it would take up too much time to write out.
I'm still not sure why my son said what he said. He honestly believes I hit him. At times. At times he says he doesn't remember if I did or not. It is frustrating and confusing and I feel like he is being coached and fed lines by my Ex. There is so much more on THAT too. But it can wait for a future posting.
So, after that nightmare I no longer cared about whether my Ex was "on board" with getting our son seen and diagnosed. We would never see eye to eye. Texas Children's Psychiatric in Downtown Houston saw us and referred us to their Autism Clinic. They diagnosed my son as having ADHD and PDD NOS in October of 2012. My Ex and his now wife claim that this is a false diagnosis since children do not "become autistic" as such a late age. I'm not even going to try and make them understand that he didn't "become autistic" at the date of his diagnosis, but has been that way for a very long time and that I had been fighting with my Ex about this for 6 years whether he wants to acknowledge that or not.
Now, since PDD NOS and Aspergers no longer exist in the DSM V (that is the Diagnostic Manual that all mental health professionals have to adhere by in order to make a diagnosis), the Dr said his PDD NOS diagnosis would translate into High Functioning Autism or Mild Autism. Aspergers and PDD NOS are now being diagnosed under the umbrella of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).
The school was able to set up a 504 for my son, which soon turned into an IEP after they finished their own 6 month testing with their Autism Team. They determined that he is a child identified with Autism and have set up modifications and accommodations for him.
Its an uphill battle and we will still have to meet several times a year. (Especially with Middle School and Puberty looming ever closer.) Eeeek.
So, I decided to find the $1500.00 necessary to get the ADOS testing done at Depelchin and just deal with my Ex AFTER the diagnostic testing was finished. I was tired of fighting, and the school needed answers. The truth is, I needed to know if this was all in my head or if my child really was on the spectrum like I thought he was.
Before I was able to do this though, I sent my son to his summer visitation with his dad, and days later I was served with papers. I had to be in court in 3 days. There were several different sets of papers. They stated 3 things. 1. I had been served with a Restraining Order stating I could not come within 500 feet of my children or my Ex and his residence. I could not even talk to them on the phone. 2. A Protective Order had been filed as well stating physical abuse had occurred. A statement from my son's pediatrician was included. (The same pediatrician that my Ex husband's new girlfriend worked for.) This statement said that my Son had a small ulcer that was healing on the inside of his bottom lip. No treatment was needed for it, but my son had stated that "mommy hit me in the mouth with her ring." So Child Protective Services had been called and my Ex had run to his lawyer the same day to draw these papers up. Aaaannnd 3. A petition for Change of Custody had been included as well. My Ex wanted Full Custody and Child Support.
I was a sobbing mess. This was not remotely true and I didn't understand why my son would say something like this. I was hysterical. That's a silly statement because it doesn't even begin to describe the pain I felt from seeing those words in black and white; "you cannot come within 500 feet of [insert name here]. I couldn't even talk to the boys. I was desperate to make sure they knew that no matter what, I loved them and that we would get through this.
I had just started a new job a few months earlier. I called my boss to let her know I would not be in on Monday because I had to be in court. She called the owner of the company and they offered to loan me the money I needed to pay for a lawyer because I had 3 days to find one.
So, my children came back into my custody a month and a half later. CPS dropped the case as "unable to determine." The Sheriff's Dept dropped the Protective Order and the Restraining Order. My Ex and I had to go to counseling. It was a waste of time. We did not settle the matter in court for another year, but finally things were settled and I still am the Custodial Parent. My Ex wanted the decree modified to state that I could not take my children to any Dr or Mental Health professional without his written permission. The Judge denied him that modification. There is so much more to this story, but it would take up too much time to write out.
I'm still not sure why my son said what he said. He honestly believes I hit him. At times. At times he says he doesn't remember if I did or not. It is frustrating and confusing and I feel like he is being coached and fed lines by my Ex. There is so much more on THAT too. But it can wait for a future posting.
So, after that nightmare I no longer cared about whether my Ex was "on board" with getting our son seen and diagnosed. We would never see eye to eye. Texas Children's Psychiatric in Downtown Houston saw us and referred us to their Autism Clinic. They diagnosed my son as having ADHD and PDD NOS in October of 2012. My Ex and his now wife claim that this is a false diagnosis since children do not "become autistic" as such a late age. I'm not even going to try and make them understand that he didn't "become autistic" at the date of his diagnosis, but has been that way for a very long time and that I had been fighting with my Ex about this for 6 years whether he wants to acknowledge that or not.
Now, since PDD NOS and Aspergers no longer exist in the DSM V (that is the Diagnostic Manual that all mental health professionals have to adhere by in order to make a diagnosis), the Dr said his PDD NOS diagnosis would translate into High Functioning Autism or Mild Autism. Aspergers and PDD NOS are now being diagnosed under the umbrella of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).
The school was able to set up a 504 for my son, which soon turned into an IEP after they finished their own 6 month testing with their Autism Team. They determined that he is a child identified with Autism and have set up modifications and accommodations for him.
Its an uphill battle and we will still have to meet several times a year. (Especially with Middle School and Puberty looming ever closer.) Eeeek.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Wasting Away
How many have kids in general who are very picky eaters? I do. But when your child is on the Spectrum, it goes to a whole new level.
People tell you all your lives to NOT make a special meal for one child. They tell you that you need to cook, and your kids eat what you cook or they go hungry. If they get hungry enough, they'll eventually eat. That's not the case with most Spectrum Kids. They... would rather starve themselves than to eat something that is displeasing to any of their sensory issues.
My SK is tall. And he is underweight. If he doesn't want to eat what I cook, I allow him to make a sandwich so I know he is at least eating.
BUT.....And that's a big butt. Pun intended. Add in an insane Ex Husband who's mission in life is to create as much conflict as possible, and we find ourselves in the DR's office. My ex has accused me openly and on record of "Malnutritioning" my son. (Yes I realize its malnourished, but my Podunk ex does not). He states that he is emaciated. (Big word for him. Hmmmm. He couldn't have thought of that all by his little lonesome.)
So, we are running blood panels and what-not to see if there is a medical issue we are not aware of, because the fact is that my SK HAS lost 4 lbs in the past 3 months. But my ex did not believe me when I told him that my SK EATS at my house. Not a whole lot at each sitting, but he eats 4-5 times a day.
I've started a food diary for him so I can show what he eats in any given day. I'm waiting for the lab results, but this could possibly be transferred to a nutritionist and I'm sure he/she would ask for a food diary. I also started taking pics of him eating so I can prove that he IS eating. (Last night he went back for seconds actually.)
Now, if he is eating, AND STILL losing weight...... Well I don't know why that is, but its not because Im starving him. I'm glad we are addressing this, because I don't want something to be wrong and us not catch it. I just don't like being accused of harming my son intentionally by some big jerk who doesn't even acknowledge the FACT that our son has PDD NOS.
So, my goal? He has to get weighed again in a month. So, I will be supplementing his diet with the good fats/carbs, and making him drink a shake for a snack to help as well.
(Oh and he also informed the Dr that they were not to make ANY Medication changes without his consent first or they would be in contempt of the divorce decree. Wrong again buddy. I supplied the Dr with a copy of the divorce decree and said that my ex could have as many opinions and inputs as he wanted, but that as Custodial Parent, I have the final say even if he doesn't "consent".
Isn't he a piece of work?)
Monday, June 3, 2013
Venting - High Functioning Autism "isn't real".
Ok, I'm a little perturbed and I need to vent, which is what a blog is for, so here goes.
My Spectrum Kiddo went to his dad's this weekend. Now, my ex has NEVER supported any of the diagnoses or anything I've ever said was going on with our son. NEVER. He's never given any constructive advice, a helping hand, a co-parenting shoulder to lean on, nothing, nada. I've been on my own raising our son to the best of my ability from the moment we divorced.
He's always there to point fingers and blame me for everything our son does that is considered "bad behavior" and everything that he does RIGHT, is totally because of HIS influence and not mine. From the very first day of Kindergarten until now (5th grade), everything that our son has done at school to get an office referral for, is and has always been because of a lack of discipline from me. I have countless nasty emails from my ex stating just that. I also have emails from me to him asking him to please give me suggestions on what he thinks is going on with our son, what he thinks can be done, asking him "why does our son have to live with YOU before you help and pay for counseling or tutoring? Why can't we do this together and see what happens? Why does it have to be you against me?" To no avail.
Yet at the same time, he is spreading vicious lies to his family and friends (some that we still share, but that have chosen to keep their distance for one reason or another even though that is a terribly painful loss for me). He paints a picture of a terrible mother and a monster to these people. He even says these things TO our children.
But its been getting worse over the past year. I used to respond to the emails and texts and I would have lengthy phone calls with him. I would get out at the drop off time and chat. I was trying to keep the peace. Ok, wait, don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I know I've said things and done things to make him mad. But I've never done it just for the sake of creating drama. Because no matter what he likes to say or think, I actually HATE drama. I HATE fighting and I try to avoid avoid avoid until I am pushed into a corner. Then I act like any human does. I fight back.
Now, I have not had any real contact with him and his "wife" for quite some time now. I try desperately NOT to respond anymore and I do not get out at the drop off.
So, the my son came home from his Dad's house this weekend and told me that his dad had pulled him into the computer room and told him the following:
"High Functioning Autism is not real. Your mom made it up.
She is lying to you.
Your mom is brainwashing you.
THIS is what real Autism looks like (he showed him videos of classic autism children who were very low functioning)
You do not have this. You DO NOT HAVE AUTISM.
THe Dr's do not know what they are talking about."
(ANd on a side note, he also told him that I had tons of money. That he was paying child support to me and that I should have more to spend on them. He told my son to ask me where HIS money was. Now, without being specific, my ex pays less than minimum wage child support. LESS than $10 a DAY. Total. For 2 kids no less. And just to be clear, I never asked him for money. It happens to be mandated by the state. But I would never tell the kids how much he pays me because frankly its none of their business. And no I will not hand over the money to the boys to do with as they please. It just angers me that my ex feels like its necessary information.)
He is deliberately trying to alienate me from my children. He hates me and he wants my children to hate me. I do not want the boys around that man any longer, but that would devastate my children.
I have to pray. I have to pray that God teaches me to forgive him. I have to pray that God would take my ex husband and change his heart and erase all of the hatred from him.
The bible tells us to pray for those who despitefully use us. It tells us to bless those who curse us. This is a very hard lesson. And I will pray through gritted teach and ask God to help me.
My Spectrum Kiddo went to his dad's this weekend. Now, my ex has NEVER supported any of the diagnoses or anything I've ever said was going on with our son. NEVER. He's never given any constructive advice, a helping hand, a co-parenting shoulder to lean on, nothing, nada. I've been on my own raising our son to the best of my ability from the moment we divorced.
He's always there to point fingers and blame me for everything our son does that is considered "bad behavior" and everything that he does RIGHT, is totally because of HIS influence and not mine. From the very first day of Kindergarten until now (5th grade), everything that our son has done at school to get an office referral for, is and has always been because of a lack of discipline from me. I have countless nasty emails from my ex stating just that. I also have emails from me to him asking him to please give me suggestions on what he thinks is going on with our son, what he thinks can be done, asking him "why does our son have to live with YOU before you help and pay for counseling or tutoring? Why can't we do this together and see what happens? Why does it have to be you against me?" To no avail.
Yet at the same time, he is spreading vicious lies to his family and friends (some that we still share, but that have chosen to keep their distance for one reason or another even though that is a terribly painful loss for me). He paints a picture of a terrible mother and a monster to these people. He even says these things TO our children.
But its been getting worse over the past year. I used to respond to the emails and texts and I would have lengthy phone calls with him. I would get out at the drop off time and chat. I was trying to keep the peace. Ok, wait, don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I know I've said things and done things to make him mad. But I've never done it just for the sake of creating drama. Because no matter what he likes to say or think, I actually HATE drama. I HATE fighting and I try to avoid avoid avoid until I am pushed into a corner. Then I act like any human does. I fight back.
Now, I have not had any real contact with him and his "wife" for quite some time now. I try desperately NOT to respond anymore and I do not get out at the drop off.
So, the my son came home from his Dad's house this weekend and told me that his dad had pulled him into the computer room and told him the following:
"High Functioning Autism is not real. Your mom made it up.
She is lying to you.
Your mom is brainwashing you.
THIS is what real Autism looks like (he showed him videos of classic autism children who were very low functioning)
You do not have this. You DO NOT HAVE AUTISM.
THe Dr's do not know what they are talking about."
(ANd on a side note, he also told him that I had tons of money. That he was paying child support to me and that I should have more to spend on them. He told my son to ask me where HIS money was. Now, without being specific, my ex pays less than minimum wage child support. LESS than $10 a DAY. Total. For 2 kids no less. And just to be clear, I never asked him for money. It happens to be mandated by the state. But I would never tell the kids how much he pays me because frankly its none of their business. And no I will not hand over the money to the boys to do with as they please. It just angers me that my ex feels like its necessary information.)
He is deliberately trying to alienate me from my children. He hates me and he wants my children to hate me. I do not want the boys around that man any longer, but that would devastate my children.
I have to pray. I have to pray that God teaches me to forgive him. I have to pray that God would take my ex husband and change his heart and erase all of the hatred from him.
The bible tells us to pray for those who despitefully use us. It tells us to bless those who curse us. This is a very hard lesson. And I will pray through gritted teach and ask God to help me.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Is this Autism or Bad Behavior? The year my eyes began to open.
I think that's the main reason I'm writing this blog and why I have a FB page now for our journey. I want everyone to know who we are and what's going on with us. Why? Because if you have even an inkling that your child may have the GIFT of Autism, you need to know there are those of us out here that can help point you to the right resources. You. Are. Not. Alone.
Second grade was by far the worst and the most eye opening year to date. My little man finally got a teacher with her eyes open and willing to help. I began to receive emails, texts, phone calls on an almost daily basis. At first, his teacher thought he may have Tourette's because of all his little outbursts he seemed unable to control. This sent her on a mission to figure out what was going on and to get me the resources I needed to find out myself. And it also set a fire under me! I wasn't crazy! Someone else saw it too!
She said he would go into rages. I never saw this happen until I took him to a friend's house one day for her son's birthday party. There must have been 30+ people there. A couple things happened that I had never seen. First, my son was in a bedroom with her son playing video games. Her son was sitting in one of those crescent shaped gaming chairs and my son was crouched in front of him like a frog just looking at him with this goofy look on his face. Then, out of the blue, my son launched himself onto the other boy and wrapped his arms and legs around him. This knocked them both back onto the floor. Luckily the other boy was a very calm and kind child, because he just lay there looking at me like...WTH... I promptly removed my son and we went outside. Second, there was a big bouncy house thing outside. It was one of those with the big slide on it, so it was pretty tall. I left my son out there with his brother and a few other boys. (First mistake.) While I was inside I heard this god-awful noise and ran outside to see my son in a full-on rage. Three boys were at the top of the slide taunting my son, and would not let him get up there to slide. So my son was running full steam, trying to get up the slide, with his arms doing this weird windmill thing and screaming at the top of his lungs. I yelled his name and he immediately stopped. It was like a switch had been thrown. Full RAGE to complete introversion. Strangest thing I had ever seen.
He got thrown off the bus several times this year because of fights. So he was showing very poor impulse control. He had no problem touching or hitting others, but if you touched him lightly on the shoulder he would say "ouch". He has a very low tolerance for pain.
He was also putting his shirts in his mouth and sucking on them this year. The whole front side of his shirt would be soaked. It was quite disgusting.
The teacher said he would make really loud noises while she was teaching and would not stop when redirected. She was concerned because he started talking like a baby and kept putting his fingers and shirt in his mouth. She was begging me for insight and answers on how to help him and I had none because he didn't behave this way at home and I didn't know what to do. So, we would bat ideas back and forth and try thing after thing to no avail.
He would play in the bathroom and climb the stalls. He would hide behind the doors in the bathroom and talk to the other kids from behind the door. He would play in the sink. He would take the water from the water fountain and spit it on the floor. And when he got in trouble he would inappropriately giggle and laugh. So we made it where he could not go to the bathroom without an adult.
One day he crawled under his desk and yelled "help me...help me....Im stuck", over and over.
He had several outbursts that included dropping the "F Bomb", kicking walls, laying on the floor and crying, throwing things at other students, flicking students with a pencil.....etc etc etc.
It was so very hard to stay serious because some of this is very comical behavior, but he was disrupting the classes. STILL, the school administration refused to say anything was out of the ordinary since his academic grades were all A's.
At work, my phone would ring and everyone would groan...."What has your son done now?" Thankfully, my boss was understanding and I only worked 5 min from the school. So it was easy for me to run over there and help out.
So, I finally sent a letter to the Principal requesting that the ISD test my son to see if a need for Special Ed is needed due to his consistent behavioral obstacles. They responded by holding an ARD meeting. They stated that they could not recommend or even test my son for Special Ed because of his academics being so good. My Ex and his live-in attended the meeting as well. My Ex stated that nothing but a discipline problem at home was wrong with our son. He also stated that our son needed to be taken out of GT (Gifted and Talented Advanced classes) because he was too arrogant about them. He stated that our son went around bragging too much about how smart he was and needed to be "taken down a peg". Grrrr.
The school opened an RTI for my son. They stated that the GT teachers in 3rd grade were not equipped to handle the behavior problems from my son so they suggested we furlough the GT for a year in order to concentrate on the behavior. They suggested that we put him in a group called Rainbow Group next year, use social stories, give him a personal schedule he could carry with him every day, and assign an adult to him in the bus line. No evaluations were suggested. And I didn't have an advocate there, so I had no idea what to ask for. This was my very first ARD meeting and I was totally unprepared. I kept telling them, "Whatever the Special Ed teachers are doing for him, however they handle Autistic kids, seems to work when his teacher needs help", but nobody listened.
This year was also the year I got remarried and pregnant with my third son. The drama started this year with my Ex and it has not let up since. My son was in an after school daycare because I worked full time outside of the home. My ex picked our children up on the designated Fridays that were his FROM daycare instead of waiting till 6pm for me to bring them to him. This worked for us and I had my ex on the emergency contact list as well. I did not have his live in girlfriend on the pickup list or the emergency contact list though and he went up to the daycare several times yelling and causing a huge scene about this. I got several nasty emails about it too. My children said Daddy was embarrassing them when he would be mean to the daycare people, and the daycare said they would call the cops and have him thrown off the property if he did it one more time.
That year was the beginning of my nightmare with my ex and the boys. I wanted to get my son diagnosed and figure out if it was all in my head, or if something really was going on other than "bad behavior". But my Ex was not on board and fought me the whole way. He was certain it was all my fault and he could "fix" him if he were living with him. I was trying so hard to keep the peace that I did not fight him and I did not get him diagnosed. There were other reasons why I waited too. Insurance would not pay for the diagnostic tests and they cost about $1500.00 out of pocket. I did not have this money. So, I waited and fought with the school to help us.
The fighting hurts the children. No matter how careful you are about it, they know. They can feel the tension. I was always taught never to speak badly about the other parent to your children. So, its hard to be in the place where you are trying to figure out what's going on with your child, help him, guide him, help the schools, while the whole time you have your Ex fighting you. They stick ideas into your kids heads and tell them hateful things about you. Every stride forward that you make is dismantled by someone who hates you MORE than they love their son.
So, I have no excuses for not getting my son the help he needed and ignoring my ex. I was in uncharted territory and had no idea what I was doing. I did not know where to turn, who to talk to, where to even start because I did not know what was going on. There were several things I thought it COULD be. My cousin has an autistic son, but my son (in my mind) was not anything like their son. I hadn't spoken to them about any of my son's behaviors because we weren't close anymore. It never dawned on me to call them. I knew it COULD be Asperger's, but what resources were out there for that? Where did I start?
So, again... You. Are. Not. Alone! Please ask us questions. If not me, then someone else who can help you. Don't do this alone. I have my friends, my family, my FB world full of Autism supporters, my Pediatrician, and my God. Remember, God does not give what He thinks we can handle. He helps us handle what is given to us.
Hugs and stuff.
Second grade was by far the worst and the most eye opening year to date. My little man finally got a teacher with her eyes open and willing to help. I began to receive emails, texts, phone calls on an almost daily basis. At first, his teacher thought he may have Tourette's because of all his little outbursts he seemed unable to control. This sent her on a mission to figure out what was going on and to get me the resources I needed to find out myself. And it also set a fire under me! I wasn't crazy! Someone else saw it too!
She said he would go into rages. I never saw this happen until I took him to a friend's house one day for her son's birthday party. There must have been 30+ people there. A couple things happened that I had never seen. First, my son was in a bedroom with her son playing video games. Her son was sitting in one of those crescent shaped gaming chairs and my son was crouched in front of him like a frog just looking at him with this goofy look on his face. Then, out of the blue, my son launched himself onto the other boy and wrapped his arms and legs around him. This knocked them both back onto the floor. Luckily the other boy was a very calm and kind child, because he just lay there looking at me like...WTH... I promptly removed my son and we went outside. Second, there was a big bouncy house thing outside. It was one of those with the big slide on it, so it was pretty tall. I left my son out there with his brother and a few other boys. (First mistake.) While I was inside I heard this god-awful noise and ran outside to see my son in a full-on rage. Three boys were at the top of the slide taunting my son, and would not let him get up there to slide. So my son was running full steam, trying to get up the slide, with his arms doing this weird windmill thing and screaming at the top of his lungs. I yelled his name and he immediately stopped. It was like a switch had been thrown. Full RAGE to complete introversion. Strangest thing I had ever seen.
He got thrown off the bus several times this year because of fights. So he was showing very poor impulse control. He had no problem touching or hitting others, but if you touched him lightly on the shoulder he would say "ouch". He has a very low tolerance for pain.
He was also putting his shirts in his mouth and sucking on them this year. The whole front side of his shirt would be soaked. It was quite disgusting.
The teacher said he would make really loud noises while she was teaching and would not stop when redirected. She was concerned because he started talking like a baby and kept putting his fingers and shirt in his mouth. She was begging me for insight and answers on how to help him and I had none because he didn't behave this way at home and I didn't know what to do. So, we would bat ideas back and forth and try thing after thing to no avail.
He would play in the bathroom and climb the stalls. He would hide behind the doors in the bathroom and talk to the other kids from behind the door. He would play in the sink. He would take the water from the water fountain and spit it on the floor. And when he got in trouble he would inappropriately giggle and laugh. So we made it where he could not go to the bathroom without an adult.
One day he crawled under his desk and yelled "help me...help me....Im stuck", over and over.
He had several outbursts that included dropping the "F Bomb", kicking walls, laying on the floor and crying, throwing things at other students, flicking students with a pencil.....etc etc etc.
It was so very hard to stay serious because some of this is very comical behavior, but he was disrupting the classes. STILL, the school administration refused to say anything was out of the ordinary since his academic grades were all A's.
At work, my phone would ring and everyone would groan...."What has your son done now?" Thankfully, my boss was understanding and I only worked 5 min from the school. So it was easy for me to run over there and help out.
So, I finally sent a letter to the Principal requesting that the ISD test my son to see if a need for Special Ed is needed due to his consistent behavioral obstacles. They responded by holding an ARD meeting. They stated that they could not recommend or even test my son for Special Ed because of his academics being so good. My Ex and his live-in attended the meeting as well. My Ex stated that nothing but a discipline problem at home was wrong with our son. He also stated that our son needed to be taken out of GT (Gifted and Talented Advanced classes) because he was too arrogant about them. He stated that our son went around bragging too much about how smart he was and needed to be "taken down a peg". Grrrr.
The school opened an RTI for my son. They stated that the GT teachers in 3rd grade were not equipped to handle the behavior problems from my son so they suggested we furlough the GT for a year in order to concentrate on the behavior. They suggested that we put him in a group called Rainbow Group next year, use social stories, give him a personal schedule he could carry with him every day, and assign an adult to him in the bus line. No evaluations were suggested. And I didn't have an advocate there, so I had no idea what to ask for. This was my very first ARD meeting and I was totally unprepared. I kept telling them, "Whatever the Special Ed teachers are doing for him, however they handle Autistic kids, seems to work when his teacher needs help", but nobody listened.
This year was also the year I got remarried and pregnant with my third son. The drama started this year with my Ex and it has not let up since. My son was in an after school daycare because I worked full time outside of the home. My ex picked our children up on the designated Fridays that were his FROM daycare instead of waiting till 6pm for me to bring them to him. This worked for us and I had my ex on the emergency contact list as well. I did not have his live in girlfriend on the pickup list or the emergency contact list though and he went up to the daycare several times yelling and causing a huge scene about this. I got several nasty emails about it too. My children said Daddy was embarrassing them when he would be mean to the daycare people, and the daycare said they would call the cops and have him thrown off the property if he did it one more time.
That year was the beginning of my nightmare with my ex and the boys. I wanted to get my son diagnosed and figure out if it was all in my head, or if something really was going on other than "bad behavior". But my Ex was not on board and fought me the whole way. He was certain it was all my fault and he could "fix" him if he were living with him. I was trying so hard to keep the peace that I did not fight him and I did not get him diagnosed. There were other reasons why I waited too. Insurance would not pay for the diagnostic tests and they cost about $1500.00 out of pocket. I did not have this money. So, I waited and fought with the school to help us.
The fighting hurts the children. No matter how careful you are about it, they know. They can feel the tension. I was always taught never to speak badly about the other parent to your children. So, its hard to be in the place where you are trying to figure out what's going on with your child, help him, guide him, help the schools, while the whole time you have your Ex fighting you. They stick ideas into your kids heads and tell them hateful things about you. Every stride forward that you make is dismantled by someone who hates you MORE than they love their son.
So, I have no excuses for not getting my son the help he needed and ignoring my ex. I was in uncharted territory and had no idea what I was doing. I did not know where to turn, who to talk to, where to even start because I did not know what was going on. There were several things I thought it COULD be. My cousin has an autistic son, but my son (in my mind) was not anything like their son. I hadn't spoken to them about any of my son's behaviors because we weren't close anymore. It never dawned on me to call them. I knew it COULD be Asperger's, but what resources were out there for that? Where did I start?
So, again... You. Are. Not. Alone! Please ask us questions. If not me, then someone else who can help you. Don't do this alone. I have my friends, my family, my FB world full of Autism supporters, my Pediatrician, and my God. Remember, God does not give what He thinks we can handle. He helps us handle what is given to us.
Hugs and stuff.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Where It All Began
Where It All Began
You may be wondering what exactly goes on in a typical day in the life of my Spectrum Kiddo. I know he looks "neurotypical", but I'd like to start telling you about our journey starting with his very first day of Kindergarten many years ago. I will probably post more blogs later with our different tales and stories. Some are quite funny, but its way too much to type in ONE blog.
He was my "normal". He was my first. So I really didn't notice any signs nor did the Dr ever notice any signs. He went to daycare and nobody there noticed anything unusual. I just thought he was Quirky. Like me. And brilliant. He was speaking in clear intelligent sentences by 2yrs old and had a vast vocabulary. He was also adding before he even started Kindergarten. And I didn't teach him that.
Ok, so I was STOKED about Kindergarten. I am one of those people who loves new school supplies and the smell of a fresh box of crayons. Weird I know. But I'm a nerd. And my SK (Spectrum Kiddo) was so brilliant that I had visions of him amazing his teachers. I knew they would love him and fast track him onto "Genius-hood". Maybe all moms feel this way. Lol. I did not cry when I dropped him off to his first day. Neither did he. I was excited! I had no idea what was in store for me over the years to come.
He got a referral his very first day of Kindergarten and spent half the day in the Principal's office. Nobody called me during the day to tell me what was going on. Apparently a few hours into the day, my SK had enough and wanted to go home. So I was told that he started crying and screaming and rolling around in the floor. He was begging to call me. Thats all he wanted was to call his mommy.
THey did not let him. And he did not calm down.
Thus began our journey with this po-dunk country town school. For the rest of the time he was there, the following things happened...
He got pops an average of 3 times a week. His teacher said she had been teaching for 20+ years and had NEVER had to give a child pops and had NEVER met a challenge like my SK. When I suggested that he may be bored (ya know, cause he is brilliant and all), she stated that "there are plenty of other children in my class that are smarter than your son. That is no excuse for bad behavior." I calmly suggested that we could point fingers all day, but that we needed to find a solution and that I was sorry that she wasted her education on a job she was certainly not qualified for since she could not outsmart a 6 year old.
He got official "Write-Ups" for the following:
He refused to work.
He would not follow directions.
"Misbehaved" at lunch.
Disrespected adults.
Disruptive/yelling in class.
Slapped and pushed another student.
Slapped and pushed another student. (again)
Talking too much.
I got calls several times a week.
Finally, the straw that broke my back was when I got a call from my Ex Mother-in-law (my SK's dad and I had divorced prior to him beginning KG). She wanted to talk to me about the pops/write-up that my SK had received for that day. I said, "What pops?"
You see..... my dear blogger friends.... the school had called my ex mother-in-law about the incident INSTEAD of calling me, the custodial parent. Oh I was hot and let them know that very same day. Not long after that, I moved him to another school district since this one was only wanting to discipline him instead of trying to help me figure out why a kid who had previously had no behavioral incidents at daycare, was suddenly a hellion.
At the new school, the write-ups continued and I kept telling the school that I thought something was going on. Something more than ADHD. My Ex and the school just felt like it was a discipline problem.
In First Grade he got write-ups for hitting and kicking other students, refusal to complete work, disrespectful to adults, talking back, ignoring, playing in the bathroom.... He received several out of school suspensions this year.
His meltdowns continued in First Grade. He would hide under the desks and refuse to come out. He would curl up into a fetal position on the floor and rock with his hands over his ears. He would kick and scream and throw himself on the floor and spin around in circles. He had no friends and the kids did not want to play with him. He preferred to play alone anyway and would walk the perimeter of the fence at recess by choice. He wont stay still or sit in a chair correctly. He always tried to put his feet up in the chair. He is persistently busy with his hands, touching or tapping something. He has a hard time with handwriting. Its illegible.
This is the year that I got a call from the counselor. She asked if everything was ok at home and if we needed any help paying the bills. She said my SK's nose had started to bleed that day and when the nurse asked him why his nose was bleeding, he said that a bug flew up it last night when he was sleeping outside. He told her that he slept outside now in a tent ever since the hurricane came because we had no power anymore. He also told her that he had to hunt 'wild-game' in order for the family to eat.
The counselor said that as soon as he said 'wild game', she knew he was probably telling a tall tale, but she had to call and check on us regardless.
Its a very funny story and we all laughed about it then. Thankfully, the Counselor had enough sense to check into the story instead of assuming something bad was going on. CPS would have been called and that would have just added to my stress.
(FYI, his nose bled all the time because he picked it all the time and ended up scratching it with his long fingernails.)
So, can you see my confusion? I was at a loss and couldn't answer them when they asked me WHY does your son do this? I had no idea. But I didn't think it was "normal."
Ok ok, so that's enough for now. There is soooo much more I have to tell you, but I need to go. This is a good start.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Your Son doesn't look like he has Autism.....
Have you heard this before? I have."Your son is smiling. I thought Autistic kids didn't smile."
"Oh we aren't going to believe that nonsense. He just needs discipline. If he were with me for a week, I'd straighten him out."
I think some people think they are being funny, cute, helpful??? I'm not sure. Because it just comes off as rude to me.
When people say things like that, it says to the mother: 'You are obviously being manipulated. You obviously haven't done a good job as a mom.'
I've been guilty before. I've said things like, "let him come to my house for a week and I'll straighten him out." But in saying that, I basically said that I could do a better job in a WEEK than the mom has done in YEARS.
Do you see what I mean? Its rude. And its silly to think that you, as an outsider, could possibly understand what is going on in anyone's lives on a day to day basis. I'm so glad that I got the arrogance knocked right out of me! Lol.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I know that there are tons of ways I screw up every...single...day. Believe me! And I'm reminded continuously about my failures by a Drama-Loving Ex-Husband. But I only listen to the advice of people who have been there; people who have truly walked in my shoes.
My son has High-Functioning Autism and ADHD. To look at him, you would think he's a nerd, a little awkward, silly, a geek. But you may never guess what's really going on. Its that way with lots of High-Functioning/Asperger's kiddos.
Have you ever heard the statement...If you've seen one with Autism...You've only seen ONE with Autism. They say this because no two cases are ever the same.
I've even been approached by people who say things like....'that boy has Autism. I thought you would recognize it for sure. I'm surprised you didn't notice.'
What a silly statement. As if I'm an expert on Autism of all kinds. I'm not even an expert on my own son's Autism.
I know I'm ranting, but that is what a blog is for right? It makes me angry and it hurts me at the same time. The disapproving looks. The stonewalling or rolling of the eyes when I say "autism". My Spectrum Kid getting thrown out of classes because of his "bad behavior". There is no patience. No tolerance. No acceptance. Only ignorance.
Some SAY that they are on my side, yet they still want my son to conform to their rules, their set ways that they believe all children should behave.
I've been told that we have to meet our children where they are and then draw them out into the social world.
They should know better? Maybe so. But they don't. No matter how many times you tell them. They don't. And they don't understand why they are being punished or why people don't want them around.
There are studies being done on the Autistic Brain. They are mapping the brains and are discovering that Autism is a Neurological Disorder NOT a behavior disorder.
What does this mean? This means that its NOT bad behavior. Its NOT bad parenting. Its just how their brain is wired. Yes, we can help them adapt and teach them the appropriate responses to social situations. Does this mean they will ALWAYS react correctly after being shown? No. Does this mean they wont have meltdowns or sit in a chair upside down? Nope. Maybe it will decrease the episodes that you are so very uncomfortable with though.
Pick your battles. Is it hurting you that he is upside down in his chair? Or if he wants to stand up and walk around? Is it defiance? Nope. Some say its overstimulation. Something SENSORY (sight, smell, touch, sound) is overloading his circuits and he needs to recharge.
There's more than one way to look at it. Please stop being so quick to judge and point fingers. Something may just knock you off your self-righteous high horse. It happened to me.
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